I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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