Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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