why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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