He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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