You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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