Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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