I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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