guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize