I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
