so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
