You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
