I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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