I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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