dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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