Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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