There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
