the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
My feet surprised me
Randomize
