I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
