Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
