we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
