cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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