i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
