Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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