apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
