Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
