I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
