Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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