i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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