i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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