Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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