I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize