Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
