We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
