There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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