i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
