i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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