if you like me you must not know who I am
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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