He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
