my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
