i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just invented taco cereal.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
