sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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