He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I fill condoms, not promises.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
