saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
