Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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