I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
