We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
