Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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