Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
