I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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