Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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