Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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