Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
