nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
