if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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