i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
