I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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