she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize