Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
