Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
