Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
